sometimes, when I am super duper (that’s a thing, right?) confused, I do this thing where I separate my worries into topics, so that it is easier for me to understand them and explain them to myself, or other people (I also do this when I have important/serious phone conversations). so I have like 8 topics so far on my current situation (a.k.a. life and what happened today and what that could mean for my future), when I was rereading the list, this was what caught my attention:
Sometimes I feel like 90% of the things I share with 80% of the people I know are shared for two reasons: so that people can pity me (wow, that is so fucked up) and so that they can offer their opinion that will later influence my decision (maybe you could do this or that; if i were in your shoes; etc).
how complex is that? I don’t think it’s their fault. it’s my responsibility to keep up with this or not. Don’t pity me or tell me how to solve it, though. I am going to find a way on my own. so far, a good thing has been keeping things to myself for a while before sharing. I think it has to do with me sharing and my expectation of people to be kind or understanding about my stuff. which is not always the case – and that’s okay. I will just share with myself and there’s nothing sad about that. it is the whole purpose of this blog. I have a lot of anxiety about sharing my stuff – the unsolved stuff, mostly, but also those really fucked up situations when I make a fool out of myself. why? it’s like I am giving them permission to think I am ridiculous because, during that situation, I thought I was a ridiculous fool. of course, there are great exceptions in my life. but I just think it’s time to pay attention to the non-exceptions too.
listening while writing: Ryan Hemsworth – Perfectly