me talking to myself when i’m about to do something self-destructive
me talking to myself when i’m about to do something self-destructive
// carmilla ficlet that i am too embarrassed to post anywhere else but also felt like i needed to write // the inspiration was a bunch of songs i was listening to that made me think of them // loosely based/inspired on this //
forever is a long time
the sadness started when you were convinced nobody would ever love you – i am too hard to love, were your exact words. and that was a long time ago, so you had given up after countless speeches by your mom about how doing the right thing was actually doing anything she wanted you to. decades of that can break anyone’s self-esteem. and you were fine being alone forever, until she appeared, a beacon of hope that you were afraid would fade away when she found out who you really are. you were sure she would get exhausted of you – but she never did.
so here you are, awake at 4 in the morning looking at the sky while she sleeps right beside you. you’ve been considering running away for days, but you don’t seem to be courageous enough, whatever that means. courage is something you will forever struggle with – and forever is a long time to struggle with anything —
laura mumbles in her sleep, and she says carm in a beautiful and sweet away, so you running off is just out of the window. you kiss her forehead and say i am here. it’s a promise. one that you want to keep —
you wake up hours later, and it’s the first time you realize how much you love being the small spoon, which is ridiculous because laura is probably one feet smaller than you, but at the moment you don’t care, because you’ve waited centuries to even allow yourself to feel like a silly teenager. you hog the covers, you know that right? is the first thing she tells you when you look at her. you roll your eyes and say get used to it, cupcake. and she replies with who says i am complaining? and that’s probably what you need to get used to: that she loves everything about you, even the dark parts.
you put some jazzy music on and starts making coffee, because laura loves these intimate moments and you know by now this is when you get the closest to feeling alive, and part of something, too. it’s cold outside so you both feel like getting back to bed – after laura eats, because she hates crumbs on the bed and you say things like it’s good i don’t eat a lot so you know the crumbs are actually yours so she just says i know you eat all of my cookies in bed when i’m sleeping and you just pout a little to end the conversation.
she brings today’s paper with her and starts doing the crosswords. you go right after because you love seeing her face when she knows she has an answer but doesn’t remember, like the now infamous second row/10 letters for a french word that is also a swedish massage technique (it was effleurage, out of all things) and you let her stay hours thinking about that one and when she finally remembered it’s because you’re both in bed doing massages of your own. the normal thing to do was to get mad at her for thinking about crosswords during an intimate moment, but you are actually glad at how smart and wonderful and resilient she is. alas, this is a brand new crossword, so you just wait while playing with louis, the cat.
laura looks at you out of the blue after completing the crossword. you’re almost asleep when she says you need a haircut. that startles you, because you couldn’t care less. also, you’re pretty sure that the one thing that laura can’t do is cut hair. you don’t care, but you’re satisfied with your hair at the moment and there’s just no way you’ll change that. you nonchalantly suggest actually, how do you feel about me cutting your hair? but it’s not enough so you end up compromising on cutting each other’s hair. she makes you sit quietly and you remember her that if she messes anything up, she’s next. laura ends up cutting your bangs perfectly and you forget about cutting her hair because you are tired and just want to take a nap next to her.
you are both back to bed, and you know that’s where you’ll be spending this whole weekend. you two are facing each other, right in the middle of the bed and she wraps her legs around you. you don’t want to close your eyes but you are pretty sleepy and laura starts singing the most calming tune – you don’t know that song yet and you try to keep a mental note to ask her later. you are so grateful for getting to know her; for living these moments with her; anyone would think you are cursed – immortal, sure, but dead too. and yet you feel nothing but blessedness when you are around her, which is a word you never thought you would use to describe yourself. how small we are in comparison to the things the universe holds for us. suffering, always, but when it offers you something sweet, you might as well take it with both hands.
when you wake up a few hours later, laura is almost finishing reading a book, she notices you’re up and fixes you a glass of blood, like it’s the simplest thing in the world and you would cry if you could. she suggests a walk and then picking up pizza for dinner, but you just want to take a shower and change your clothes. she says i’ll go. you stay here and i’ll be right back. when she arrives, you are blasting this song you like. she just chuckles because you always put the saddest songs on full volume, and she assures – again – i’m not complaining. you get surprised, in a good way, when she puts the pizza on the counter, looks at you with that know-it-all eyes and says: how about a change of pace? you’re not sure what to answer, but you’re intrigued since this is the first time ever she’s the one to ask you to dance. you nod a shy ‘yes’ and you can’t believe that vampires don’t cry, but they do blush.
she presses play on her phone and this ethereal song starts playing.
she leads you from the small kitchen to the living room. laura can’t take her eyes off of you while you two do some slow dancing. she sings along: if the children don’t grow up / our bodies get bigger but our hearts get torn up / we’re just a million little god’s causing rain storms / turning every good thing to rust / I guess we’ll just have to adjust / with my lightning bolts a glowing / I can see where I am going to be / when the reaper, he reaches and touches my hand. there was a time when you’d feel that this much happiness could not be achievable, and even an ounce of it would actually mean that something bad was about to come. but you don’t allow yourself to think that during this dance. that is the real sacrifice – to let it go. and this is when you know. you don’t believe in marriage (nor does laura), but here you are sure. all you can say is: i love you – forever. and forever is a long time.
later, when it gets dark, you get silent. she knows you’re just processing things. readjusting to whatever preconceived idea of living you had. and when your body relaxes and she notices it, you’re half expecting her to come up to you. she sits on top of you, kisses your neck in a way that makes you think she would be a pretty vicious vampire if she wanted to and when you’re about to say something sweet, she starts tickling you — just so she can hear that laugh that she calls the most ineffable thing in the world.
Top Carmilla episodes (so far) (this will probably be updated once the season 1 is finished, although since there are only 5 episodes left, I might as well do a top 5 with them and a commentary of my favorite moments from each):
– Episode 16: Bear spray; mesomorph army; Mina Harker; an actual wooden spoon; how small we are in comparison; Carmilla’s voice; & I think I might like that very much.
– Episode 17: not the brooding lover thing; don’t you look like a virgin sacrifice; shimmering moment of possibility; maybe I don’t feel like sharing you right now; I oughta know better. And yet… there’s something about you;
– Episode 19: Do I strike you as the type of person who plays well with others?; The experience of being held captive by the clutch of imbeciles for something I didn’t even have the pleasure of doing is humiliating enough without you wiping me up like a dribbling child; Laura taking care of Carmilla; If you weren’t trying to eat me then what were you trying to — oh! So when you were hitting on me you really were hitting on me?
– Episode 20: This need of yours to document everything borders the pathological (this quote made me fall in love with the show); ALSO SOCK PUPPETS.
– Episode 28: You are ridiculous and headstrong and naïve; In 1698 it might as well have been sex; WORST CRUSH EVER; also: waltzing; Carmilla giving her bed to Laura.
– Episode 8: this part where Carmilla imitates Laura.
– Episode 10: The first one where we see Laura’s pillow on Carmilla’s bed; Carmilla also prepares her hot cocoa.
– Episode 11: Carmilla cries. First time I noticed some actual flirting. Subtle indication of Laura and Danny sleeping together (the plot, and the triangle, thickens); Schadenfreude isn’t very attractive, Laura / But so satisfying
– Episode 12: Danny talks feminism; ‘Laura in the Loop’; Laura in the middle of Danny and the bro guy is so small it makes me chuckle; Not that my excruciating awkwardness should even be a blip right now
– Episode 13: Carmilla being cute; Ron/Snape fic (lol); flat out flirting.
– Episode 15: Seduction eyes?!; mentions of LaFointaine changing pronouns/non-binary.
– Episode 18: after ~kidnapping Carmilla, Perry just puts her hands over Carmilla’s ears so that she doesn’t hear their plan and I think it’s the funniest thing ever (especially her reaction to it).
– Episode 21: GRUMPY TIED-UP CARMILLA DRINKING BLOOD FROM A STRAW; Pop culture has so much to answer for;
– Episode 25: Sure you were; nobody likes theater students; Don’t look at me, I don’t know anything about parasites. I am a vampire, not a guinea worm; Let’s just dissect my deeply painful past in excruciating details;
– Episode 27: Don’t start expecting heroic vampire crap from me, cupcake; If you want me to stop having heroic notions about you, you should probably stop saving my life.
– Episode 30: Wow, so much for the university’s progressive policies on feminism, huh?; By which, I mean, well done you;
– Episode 31: Carmilla’s underwear; Carmilla’s face when seeing Danny; Maybe a nice bazooka; Don’t be an idiot. Of course I’m doing it for you.
listening while writing: Vampire Weekend – Oxford Comma
it started, as it usually does, with random gifs on tumblr. and then i went on a search hunt for it, found the web series and watched everything within 3 hours (at the time, it was about 25 episodes, 5 minutes each) during a sunday. i got really hooked. then the fanfictions, of course. which. if i am being honest, i am also thinking about writing. because they are absolutely adorable, those two. so far, all i did was a mixtape inspired on them (my usual response when i have an obsession. also the type of reaction i am more comfortable with). otps: they break you.
the thing about my relationship with this show is that… it doesn’t take itself seriously. i love how it’s a short web series that i just want MORE. all the time. it’s totally teasing the viewers with absolutely nothing beyond cute phrases by one of them that are sometimes directed at the other. WHICH. i totally dig, by the way. and there’s also… i think they took that general idea of non-canon queer couples (hello, faberry! swan queen! so many others) and just gave it to us as a real thing. and you gotta respect that. besides, we’ve got three redheads, one of them non-binary. i just love how the cast gets along so well (i kind of wish i was their friend). their characters twitters are all spot on funny. and so are the actors’ twitter feeds, by the way. they do have an amazing way of understanding social media (it is a web series, after all).
but more about the show, then. i’ll probably won’t be able to talk about it coherently. basically: this laura girl that studies journalism (yay?) notices her roommate went missing after going to a party. days later, carmilla appears to share the room with laura. carmilla is broody and grumpy
and so cute. laura discovers her old roommate was probably kidnapped, as were other girls on campus, and start investigating, as well as posting her findings online (which is the point of view we get, as if she’s talking to us through the camera, and when she isn’t, that it’s just there rolling) – side note: i think this is genius. laura’s friends (la fontaine, danny and perry) are all (probably) gay and help her investigate everything. carmilla is there, usually involved, although in an ‘i don’t care’ way – hint: she cares a lot. mystery and adorableness ensues.
i am not really a fan of plot as i am of character depth. so you can give me a shitty shitty show and if i fall in love with one of its characters, because of how complex they are or could be (and especially if there is continuity and a sense of evolution)… i am SOLD. like, i will watch that show until i die. i will criticize the hell out of the story lines, but i will stand by that character until death (quinn fabray, you deserved better). i don’t believe this is the case: plot here can’t be really THAT deep (it’s a web series), but it does the job well. (side note: i really want to read the story it was based on now). there are a bunch of things that they do notice: like the way carmilla steals laura’s pillow; and also the way that, after laura discovers carmilla is a vampire, carmilla stops hiding that she drinks blood. they are little things, but details that viewers/fans ALWAYS analyze (especially on tumblr). and twitter. like. they have accounts for the weirdest things related to the show.
well, i don’t have much to say beyond these random commentaries that are actually based on things i’ve seen before. shall i continue? the chemistry between laura and carmilla is so strong, there’s no denying. and i think it’s the first time ever that there’s an actual lesbian love triangle that i like all the characters involved (carmilla/laura/danny). it’s 6 episodes away from the end of the season and it’s already giving me anxiety. i guess the way it’s so brief, it makes me create so many theories and little cute scenarios. also, have i mentioned that they like each other? which means it’s canon. so yeah. basically. this is me not freaking out at all.
i’ve always been a fan of vampires, since watching interview with the vampire (and later on Buffy, True Blood, etc.) and carmilla’s character is totally the type of cool vampire who actually cares (see also: spike, eric northman) and overall cool character (see: quinn fabray) who falls in love with the nerd (total faberry fanfiction vibes here). and i like carmilla’s character also because she’s lived so long and she knows so much stuff and she is aware of what actually matters and what doesn’t. she seems to suffer with the idea of living forever. and not being able to grasp totally what is to be a vampire. and being capable of loving laura, someone so tiny and fragile. u g h. someone stop the feels.
they just fit perfectly. i love polar opposites like that, when they are treated nicely, because it’s beyond “you get on my nerves and there’s sexual tension” (which i am not against, obviously). but it’s actually “you’re so different and yet you like me and i like you so there must be something special here and also you make me want to be a better person and think outside of myself”. WHICH. sort of is the definition of love altogether?! (at least for me at this point in my life) so. yep. i will stop now because this is getting crazy long. my last sentence will just be that i am living romantically through these characters and i think it’s sort of cute and adorable, in my own way, thank you very much. so. check carmilla out when you can, basically.
listening while writing: Birdy – Skinny Love (Bon Iver cover)
Your favorite times, she tastes like all of that but also like you.
When she’s asleep she’s small, as small as she actually physically is, wispy thin and only a few inches taller than you—one night you’d traced the outline of the jut of her hip and she’s whispered, “Skinny, modish girls—ghost-lights in the orchard,” then laughed sadly and said, “Ted Hughes wrote that, ironic isn’t it, as if he thought he could understand”—and you also remember how young she is, or was, or some dimension of both: she has never gotten to grow up.
sometimes she feels so fragile, and she is so lovable, even if she doesn’t always believe it, that you’re floored at how anyone could hurt her—and especially hurt her for falling in love.
fuck. what a way to fuck me up
listening while reading: Lorde – Yellow Flicker Beat