it’s been an anxiety inducing couple of weeks. the thing is: up to the last week of september, things were going really really well. and it’s about time for that to go away, right? i don’t mean it in a self-deprecating way (although it could apply here, if you want to), just in the sense that the fight is never over. when i was feeling good, that is what i was telling myself. so why can’t i do the same when things aren’t so great?
things are great: i am moving out of my apartment, i am renting the house i bought (hopefully), my job is more stable, i am calmer than ever. and yet. there is still a sensation of lack – not in a “human beings are never satisfied anyway”. i mean it in a “my soul is not okay” way. which sucks, because the soul is the most important part of the body.
there is transformation happening. i can feel it bubbling, or perhaps more intensively and accurately: boiling. i guess i am not disciplined enough at the moment to pay the due attention. not complaining, just stating a fact. i am questioning myself so much lately. what does it all mean? what meaning am i searching in life?
there is no doubt the most current theme i’ve been dealing with, in therapy and in life, is how to become more independent. it’s been really fucking hard lately. there is a pull, one i can’t quite comprehend yet, that makes it very heavy to move forward. it makes me act in very a irrational way and it also makes me feel dumb & incompetent.
right now (at this exact moment), i guess what i really want is to find way to channel all of this frustration into something. mandalas just won’t cut it. i’d like to punch something, to be honest.
listening while writing: Bárbara Eugênia – Besta