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in the last couple of weeks, i started to take really long walks and i didn’t know why. i kept walking for like 2 hours with no particular place to go, no one to see or talk to. but i enjoyed it immensely (and still do). this week, i hardly got any work done. but i walked a lot.

yesterday, something in my mind told me that it was related to feeling good about myself. which is true: walking provides space for my thoughts to roam free (sort of like me with no direction, too); i just put the headphones on and go. there’s no expectations – no time to get back, no one to meet, nothing to do during it, it costs nothing. the cold also makes me feel alive – something about the wind that is just in your face and makes you wake the fuck up or maybe something about noticing your body (you take notes on body heat, blood circulation and so on).

but there’s something else too, something new. for as long as i’ve known, i always admired the way some women walk. i couldn’t describe if it was about me loving women or just me wanting to be as elegant as them (when you’re queer, these seem very intertwined). what’s new now is that i keep going to that place outside myself and seeing me as one of those women. it’s probably related to the new clothes and shoes i’ve got, but also some sense of femininity that i haven’t had in a (very) long time. i can’t remember the last time i was in contact with it – there was always something to fix, someone else to copy.

of course it’s always work to remember myself that there’s no ideal woman, or that nothing i do makes me less of one; but it makes me happy to realize i am more comfortable with finding & creating my own feminine side, regardless (and especially with no judgement or comparison) of how other people express their own.

disappearance has always been a huge theme in my life – as in, finding every way possible (consciously or not) to be invisible, and then feeling miserable for no one noticing me (even if i was also constantly running away from me, too, and avoiding my issues or thinking they were less important than any one else’s).

right now, i think that’s changing. and yesterday’s walk made me realize that. it’s no coincidence that i was listening to one of my favorite songs at the moment, which goes: ‘Cause I was raised up / To be admired to be noticed. and although i know femininity is not only related to my appearance, i put on my boots, my favorite sweater & overcoat. i sing joni mitchell while i look myself in the mirror, put on my purple lipstick and throw on a maroon scarf around my neck. it’s definitely time for another walk.

the link between profound and pain
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