it seems incredible that you can experience both wanting to die and wanting to live in just a few hours – it probably happens more often than i can recall. yesterday morning, i started therapy with “to be honest, if a car or a bus hit me, i am not sure if i would mind”. i had given up – heaviness, emptiness, sadness, it was all there. the place i know too well, i guess.
but as i was talking about everything, how it felt to be this bad and what made me get there, things started connecting. remembering of my brother and how he died, talking about the possibility of my parents getting a divorce and what that could mean in terms of my independence. i think those were the main issues, the big heavy ones that permeated the whole session.
2 hours later, i was able to, even wanting to die before, to pick survival and to save a life.
i feel i am getting closer and closer to discovering who i really am and what i am looking for.