it’s hard to cope when there was nothing wrong exactly, only things beyond ourselves. a (very) big part of me still questions that i should have tried harder or better (faster!/stronger!). it’s a non-ending conversation in my head, in which i always lose, of course.
i don’t dare imagine or compare my pain to hers, i only long to make sense of this heaviness on my chest for now. i know nothing i say to myself, or to her if that were even possible, would satisfy. i made this decision based on ‘what future would we have?’, rather than ‘the present feels good’.
and it doesn’t matter to how many people i tell the story, there are always multiple opinions – ‘you are right’; ‘you’ve hurt her so much’; ‘why did you even start?’. trust me, nothing they could say to me is something that haven’t crossed my mind yet.
perhaps i’ve been reading this wrong all along:
i am the one seeking resolutions, when maybe there isn’t one.