if it’s not light nor kind,
if it feels like a burden or an effort
if you often wonder what is the purpose
or when will it make sense
let it go
listening while writing: Devendra Banhart – My Dearest Friend
and for a while now i’ve been feeling like the feminine/masculine energy is more present. both, but also the act of separating them, seeing what which brings to the table and such. the thing is, when i think about it, i have absolute no (living) examples of men that give me a positive view of that masculine. although, of course, we both carry the feminine and masculine, it is certain to say i’d be experiencing it differently coming from a man than from a woman.
all of this makes me uncomfortable: realizing i have been afraid of men most of my life, that i have all these preconceived ideas of them (albeit not coming from my head only, but from society also) and yet have never had a meaningful relationship with one (except my brother). it’s tough because now i want to: i keep saying, hey, i have to be more open minded, but at the same time i am very ALERT that they might do something shitty towards me and it’s very very hard to balance that. this week, i had two different experiences with two men.
the first one was with my teacher, we went out to have some beers. i think my expectation was REALLY high and, although he was very polite and somewhat funny and overall nice, i didn’t enjoy it much. it was like a bland experience, while i was waiting for him to REDEEM ALL MEN for me (which i know it’s not healthy at all, but it was my first time actually trying? also, it is not possible for men to redeemable, but yeah). he checked his phone a lot and didn’t ask me any questions – i was the sole keeper-going of the conversation. which, as an introvert, made me a little self-conscious and insecure. but alas, i survived and don’t regret it.
the other was with a boy i met online (I KNOW, when will i learn?). i considered him a friend, i really did. i talked to him about a bunch of stuff, mostly random, but also sweet and somewhat profound/meaningful to me/him. i was used to him and, in a way, i thought that the friendship could blossom to a more solid interaction besides a word game app (writing letters, exchanging gifts, etc.) and then a short answered for a question i saw no harm in hurt me, i needed time to think and i guess that hurt him too. as always, miscommunication destroying everything. i asked if he wanted to keep talking and he said no. i no longer insist when people tell me no, not because of giving up, but mostly because of trusting they know what is best for them. i can process what i did on my own – i always have (and i say this with no self-pity).
my actual fear, though, is that for some cosmic joke or balancing energy of the universe, i have to go through all these weird / confusing / shameful / hurting experiences in order to keep on insisting and, one day maybe, become conscious enough to realize there is no guy that will redeem men for me; but there are cool/awesome men out there that change my perspective and predisposition of men in general. and perhaps, all these experiences are also part of this whole process.
listening while writing: Nirvana – Lake of Fire