“In life we all have an unspeakable secret, an irreversible regret,
an unreachable dream and an unforgettable love.”
this quote is saved in my drafts in my email. along with a bunch of others i sometimes go to when i am feeling sad or need to think. today, i wanted to write something here, but i had no idea what. because what i want to write about, my feelings and how’s life lately, i just can’t seem to organize into words. so i decided to write about those things we all have in life (supposedly). the unspeakable secret is nor here or there, perhaps i should even think about what secrets i have – i shall consider it unwritable as well, at least for now. i’ve got to keep my air of mystery.
let’s start with the unreachable dream. first of all, i think of myself (usually) as young, so there’s a lot of dreams that i still believe i can achieve. but this one is out of the window. i’ve spoken about this, more or less, lately – it’s been on my mind. when i was a kid, my dream career was being a flight attendant.
let’s explore the pros from a child’s perspective: travels a lot, gets to know a bunch of different countries, constantly flying!, doesn’t do much besides serving drinks, speaks english, knows CPR, wears cool uniform, has style, probably earns a good salary. so there you have it, my priorities when choosing a profession when i was 10. the cons: packing bags all the time, turbulence, occasional cleaning, has to pass a course before working.
why the dream was unreachable: my hometown didn’t have a flight attendant course (and i heard it was expensive, without guaranties — as opposed to the very secure journalism degree i would later try). also, i didn’t think i had it in me: i knew english and i liked the no strings attached scenario, however, i couldn’t see myself as a flight attendant. you need a certain height, some vain stereotype, a femininity i didn’t possess or felt comfortable with. and still don’t.
the irreversible regret part is a little hard: i used to regret a lot of things, little and big ones, and only now that i’ve been learning how important it is to live by rihanna’s motto (and also her tattoo): never a failure, always a lesson. i really do think that my greatest regret is to have lived life as this constant black & white thing (right and wrongdoings), which would apply to most of the things i regret. i still do it sometimes, of course. habits are hard to kill, after all.
but at least now when i think about it, i see how important it is to let go of some things/feelings/people. my regret is to think i could save people & thus make them love me. my regret is setting all these rules that would somehow magically me likable; lovable; popular; fuckable; some ephemeral and superficial idea of happiness until another one came along.
“if only i was thinner, then he would notice me”; “if only i liked physics, then my career path would be easier”; “if only i liked her favorite movie, then we would be able to talk”. there were all these prerequisites before i could consider myself a person, and always, always, from the outside. other people could dictate what was right/cool because i thought my opinion had no value – unless someone else agreed with it.
and finally, the unforgettable love. my go to sentence here would be “not much experience in that department”, but the thing is once i remove the idea that love automatically means romantic love, the answer becomes quite clear: it’s my brother. the one that got away.
until recently, it seemed very weird to talk about my brother as my first love, but he truly was. once i learned that, i realized: all the things he taught me (hope, trust, thoughtfulness, humor, humbleness, empathy, great music, the list is endless) and how the kid i was (and still am) will forever be looking for someone with some of the qualities he had.
i am processing everyday the meaning of it – sometimes it’s confusing for me too. it’s not that i want to repeat the relationship we shared, it’s simply that it was a positive and shaping relationship i had, that included compassion, patience, openness, care. and i am thankful everyday for getting all of that in such a young age, because it guides my life to this day and i know it always will.
listening while writing: Dido – White Flag