so. self-loathing is trending today. december, what a month. this is not going to be very cohesive or long. i haven’t been able to do that for a while. my heart is beating fast and i have an awful taste in my mouth. i should really know better. and yet. perhaps my relationship with alcohol should be my next therapy theme — and at the same time, it’s not the drinking, it’s what makes you drink (i am aware of that).

there is immense guilt in doing what i did yesterday (how pedestrian of me to find drama in getting shit-faced drunk), but, as i said, it’s not really about the drinking. i feel like the villain of the story all over again, because i went after it. and just overall sad because i didn’t save myself like i should have. i guess the most important thing is not to expect being saved by anyone else except yourself. it’s been hard to understand and practice that daily.

listening while writing: The Be Good Tanyas – Waiting Around to Die