this is me circa 2005. just for wonderful numerology purposes of the narrative, let us pretend it was 10 years ago (if it were, it would be 2004, but I don’t think it was because it brings different memories). let’s enter the time tunnel. some random info about myself/my life a decade ago:

– my biggest worries back then were: a bad grade; how fat i looked (not true, but… at the same moment let’s just bundle up everything into the low self esteem category, alright?); how to cheer everyone up (even though your brother died); what show will i watch now that Friends is over.

– that was one of my favorite t-shirts ever; i liked the color scheme, the fact it was striped; how comfortable it was and how awesome i thought i looked in it. i am vaguely sure that this shirts still exists inside my closet. i am wearing a necklace, which i didn’t like wearing and to this day i am still not very fond of. my go-to jewelry are bracelets. earrings are nice, but usually make me regret the decision of wearing them and rings, which for now make me emotional and, well, that’s another level of details at the moment.

– my favorite band at the time was, without a doubt, nirvana. i didn’t like mtv, but i did watch the videoclips mostly for reference – my best friend was obsessed with them. from that ’00 era, I guess I liked Oasis (technically ’90s, but go with me). i am sad to say i didn’t read that much that year, aside from biographies – Heavier than Heaven, Kurt Cobain’s biography was read twice that year, if I am correct.

– i was ashamed i’ve never kissed a boy (oh, how things change). i can’t remember if at the time i had a crush. OH. i did. i totally did. his name is still one of my favorite boys’ names. he had curly hair and seth cohen vibes, of course. and also he was from another school, with the mysterious thing that all non-straight girls get attached to when crushing on a boy. maybe it was just denial. although i still think he is a pretty boy (i haven’t seen pictures of him in years).

– at the time, i was playing the acoustic guitar and with dreams of being a musician. if not that, than to work with advertising (i am so happy i gave up that idea, because. well, i pretty much hate the ad industry aside from seeing it on mad men).

– i had a sort of decent relationship with my parents. although only years later i would realize how much rooted in guilt i was from making that promise of loving them in the name of my brother, too, besides my own. that was very heavy anchor i had to lift and get rid of, but i did it. i can’t remember big rebel acts, i guess part of me also repressed all that after what happened the year before.

– i knew i wasn’t straight, but i didn’t know what that meant. also, i thought it was ~important to fall in love with a boy first just to be sure. [i now strongly advice against this. just do whatever you want]. i’ve never been in love with a boy and i don’t think that is wrong/weird in the slightest.

– my favorite memories from that time were talking to my friends about everything and nothing at the same time; having lunch with my grandparents on sundays; playing super nintendo and listening to music; having my friends over at my house; how financially stable things were back then; how very full of promises things were regarding my future/what i would achieve in life.

listening while writing: Katie Herzig – Wish You Well