The problem is always that we mistake the idea of love for attachment. We know, we imagine that the grasping and clinging that we have for… in our relationships shows that we love, whereas, actually, it is just attachment, which causes pain. You know? Because the more we grasp, the more we are afraid to lose. Then, if we do lose, then, of course, we are going to suffer. I mean, genuine love is… Well, attachment says: “I love you, therefore I want you to make me happy”. And genuine love says: “I love you, therefore I want you to be happy. If that includes me, great. If it doesn’t include me, I just want your happiness”. And that’s why it’s a very different feeling.
Attachment is like holding very tight. But genuine love is like holding very gently, nurturing, but allowing things to flow. Not to be… to held tightly. The more tight we hold on to others, the more we will suffer. But it’s very hard for people to understand that, because they think that the more they hold on to someone, the more it shows that they care about them. But it’s not. It’s just that they’re trying to grasp at something because they are afraid that otherwise they themselves will be hurt.
Any kind of relationship that we can imagine that we can fulfill ourselves through another is bound to be very tricky. I mean, ideally, people should come together already feeling fulfilled within themselves and therefore appreciating that in the other, rather than expecting the other to supply that sense of well being which they don’t feel on their own. Then there is a lot of problems. And also along with the projection which comes with romance where we project all our ideas, ideals, desires and romantic fantasies on to the other, which the other cannot possibly fulfill. Once you get to know them, you recognize that it’s not Prince Charming or Cinderella. It’s just, you know, a very ordinary person also struggling. And unless one is able to see them, to like them, as well as feel desire for them, and to also have love and kindness and compassion, then it’s going to be a difficult relationship.