things have a way of taking you, if you allow them. so i am just going to plunge into the water, the waves from the past once again come to visit me. i was washing my hair yesterday and this new shampoo i bought smells like the beach. so every time i do it, i start imagining myself at the beach. and it’s a little ironic because i’ve hated going to the beach after turning 14 (my reasons: i spent most of my childhood loving to swim and play with my brother and now all those memories are painful; i hate the heat; i hate people expect that all you can do there is simply go to the beach; sand everywhere; my parents insisting on spending christmas there, which is just depressing). but nowaydays i’ve been thinking a lot about going to the beach (mostly by myself), to just sit there and watch.
listening while writing: Vampire Weekend – Taxi Cab
i’ve been rather impatient with my mom lately because now that i don’t feel guilty about not telling her (most) stuff from my life, it’s like i am regretting it every time i do share and she does not get it. i have to control myself better and not resent her. i don’t want to go back to that anymore.
listening while writing: Broadcast – Echo’s Answer
i was going through some of my stuff this week and then i found this a4 sheet where i wrote everything that i was feeling when i went out for the first time alone to places we’ve been together. i just sat at the ice cream shop writing one line per feeling/thought, feeling weak and a failure. i think it’s the most powerful thing i’ve wrote since we broke up because it’s all raw and exposed. sometimes i read it again because it makes so much sense. it’s just pen & paper & words but it feels like art to me and it connects me deeply to that day.
listening while writing: Perfume Genius – Normal Song
a lot of memories. a lot. and wishful thinking. and adapting the past to something that makes sense. and editing the hurtful ugly parts. and adding a lot of sweet cute things or making them last longer/repeating them over & over. and mostly feeling like shit because deep down i know it does not help a thing but also forgiving myself for doing it because sometimes you just want to get through the day. or the night, especially. and being grateful and hopeful that not all days (and nights) will remain the same.
listening while writing: I Hate You Just Kidding – The Rolling Sea
i am the hero of this story i don’t need to be saved. i am the hero of this story i don’t need to be saved. i am the hero of this story i don’t need to be saved. i am the hero of this story i don’t need to be saved. i am the hero of this story i don’t need to be saved. i am the hero of this story i don’t need to be saved. i am the hero of this story i don’t need to be saved. i am the hero of this story i don’t need to be saved. i am the hero of this story i don’t need to be saved.
to just continue writing and reading and breathing and feeling everything around me. it is enough. it’s fucking enough. telling myself: i did everything i could helps me. to not deny myself being open & vulnerable. no matter how much the possibility of not being understood is out there and how it breaks me every time. breaking will not define me. surviving defines me.
listening while writing: Memoryhouse – Bonfire