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I had a dinner with a friend this week and it was very nice to talk about how our lives suck at the moment. She’s just broken up with her girlfriend and I guess misery loves company. We talked so much about relationships and how to deal with break ups. The after damage we are left with. And how we cling to every last shred of hope. We definitely weren’t playing the game of whose life sucks the most because we know that’s impossible to define since we’re on the same situation (and even if we weren’t). We ended up bonding over our behaviors and feelings.

Turns out that we both are overwhelmed by our sleep, even during fights with our girlfriends. I joked about how I wish I was more like my sleep: My sleep just has its own will, it just grabs what it wants, it waits for nothing or no one. It knows its needs and does not fuck around. We laughed. She raised a good point: Perhaps we are like that, because… our sleep is part of us, right? It’s definitely something to be inspired about.

She’s the only person that can point to my hand and say: You’ve definitely been single because your fingernails are huge. And then make us both laugh out loud until I tell her to Fuck off and she completes the whole thing with: You know what? It’s fine. Mine will grow too and we’ll have a competition about who can keep them the longest. It made me think, even if for some seconds, that it is different having a friend that also likes girls because that kind of joke can be done without anyone being uncomfortable. Although maybe it’s just because we are both okay with talking about somewhat intimate stuff and joke around.

And so we did talk about that and coping. She was a little embarrassed about telling me how she still sleeps with some stuff of her ex. I said: You have nothing to be ashamed about, really. A while back, I bought a big sweater for me to sleep in because I just wanted to feel cozy and with an illusion about why I was so warm. I told her it’s been months since I’ve worn a t-shirt, because I am so freaking cold all the time. So much that I am starting to think about that and how it can relate to PTSD and just diagnose that for me and be done with it. Of course, I should mention this to my therapist although there is so much shit going on I haven’t found the time for now. The internet tells me I am not overreacting, but the internet always does.

I guess, for today, I just wanted to register that there is someone out there going through the same thing as me and it makes me feel less alien from this world.

listening while writing: She Keeps Bees – Owl

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