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should I stay put for a while and then follow my plans to do my own thing not knowing if it will work out or should I take this opportunity to work, for the first time really, in my area in a different city?

moving there would be bittersweet, because (secretly) it’s where I wanted to go when I was older, having a small wood cabin and my own vegetable garden. it’s where I pictured us together sharing a life, cat and dog. now it would be like a new beginning, for something completely different – although the dreams stay. but is it a new beginning if my idea of that place is where I wanted to go when older? am I old enough? I pictured it as the city where I would go to rest, the home of peace, not where I pictured myself working.

I think it’s possible to go somewhere to build something completely different from what you imagined you’d go there for. it’s mainly what I achieved while living where I am now. I came here to study. to work in journalism. to go to museums. to make new friends that would affect my life. to party a little in bars and pubs with good music. I did none of those things, just studying.

there is one thing that I feel like it’s the core to making my decision about this. my idea/ambition of work. staying or going would fulfill different approaches:

  • staying means playing it safe (and boring): I could maybe get a raise somewhere in the future but it’s the most I will get out of this experience in terms of work. my routine would stay the same, I would continue to read interesting articles on the internet and feel “less bad” about doing nothing all day. there are no challenges here, but it allows me being closer to what I am as a person (remember: life does not equal work, and, perhaps, neither enjoyment/satisfaction). I have more independence here (more on that below) and, even though sometimes I feel very fucking lonely, loneliness (different than lonely) is allowing me to be more conscious of who I am and what I want. also, it soothes me in the sense that I would pursue my own business next year.
  • going means risking (and learning): I would learn in a small city how to write, edit and talk to people all by getting paid for it (not much, which is a problem). Aside from this fact, there is not much positive items on this list. I would live, at least for some months, with people I do not wish to. I would have to interact on a daily basis with people that I would not be able to be myself completely – on top of working with a bunch of other people, which is another enigma itself. I would have to, probably, stay in the closet (which is something I not only do not wish to do, but it would be fucking complicated for my already shattered self-esteem). It would be harder to come home and to have a healthy therapy schedule.

what draws me to both? what puzzles me? what scares me? what do they offer?

saying no to the latter, I sometimes feel, is like saying no to my dream of being a journalist – and I have to ask myself this over and over: is it still my dream? or is it something that I wanted, then never happened, and I sort of got over it while doing something else and now I am just like “careers do not define me” and accepting the job would mean denying what I have been telling myself for years? have I accepted myself moving on from my dream? what dreams do I have now?

it appears that I have been focusing on: choosing one or the other would mean denying different parts of myself. what I should actually try to think about is: which parts of me would evolve with either scenario? which parts am I looking more forward to developing now?

I should also add, rather proudly, that I was able to tell people, few people, about this without (as I mentioned on a post earlier) expect them to easy my way towards an option. actually, talking to people made me realize how I can share with them my situation, hear what they say and still go something like: I realize that is their opinion and, naturally, they will speak from their experiences/views of the world. I am aware that it does not reflect who I am or what I will do, because this is my life and I will be the one, not only to choose, but to live with the choices. Which, for now, was an eye opening experience itself and I am glad about it.

Slow steps.

listening while writing: Courtney Barnett – Pickles From The JarWeen – What Deaner Was Talkin’ About + beulah – Don’t Forget to Breathe

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