i want to be. i want to feel. i want so many things and i can’t seem to be able to do it. i wish i didn’t expect so much. i would like something different. i would like to know that it will be okay. i want to feel like i am the hero of my own story. i want to stop crying. and thinking sad stuff. and bleeding. i want to remember my dreams and be active. to feel alive. i wish i could get out of the house without the fear i will cry. i wish i could connect with people and beings. i wish i didn’t feel ashamed for being me and for the sadness i carry. i wish i didn’t feel so fucking cold all the time.

how i wish i could feel that i am going somewhere. that whatever i am doing will count for something.

listening while writing: Frankie Cosmos – Buses Splash With Rain