listening while posting: American Football – I’ll See You When We’re Both Not So Emotional
E eu não quero um outro alguém
muito menos se for
pra esconder o nosso bem
em um falso sorriso
Pense muito bem
nesse abrigo indeciso
Outra foto no mural
e eu fui cuidar de mim
Fui procurar ajuda para um coração
trincado pela culpa,
vazando sem perdão
- Nobody is doing better than you because nobody can do better than you.
- Where you are right now is a necessary step.
- Everything is coming together… maybe not immediately, but gradually.
- It is your resistance to “what is” that causes your suffering.
- Every day brings a choice: to practice stress or to practice peace.
- You are always good enough to try, and that’s what’s important in the end.
- There’s always something small you can do.
- Failures are really just lessons that need to be learned.
- Yesterday’s impossibilities may be possible today.
- What “might happen” can only stop you if you let it.
- The quality of your vision drives the quality of your life.
- You don’t need to get everyone’s approval first.
- What you’re capable of achieving is greatly based on how much you want it.
- Your best bet is to give yourself no other choice.
- You have to work hard on yourself too.
- You are stronger than whatever is troubling you.
- For everything you’ve lost, you’ve gained something else.
- You have made the best of some tough situations.
- Your scars are symbols of your strength.
- You are still here trying
listening while reading: Arcade Fire – Supersymmetry
As i started to cut, as the corner touched my skin and that jolt of pain fired into my head, i stopped and thought — y’know, last chance. Are you SURE?
And i was tired. I sounded like you, that i knew there’d be ups again and downs but i was just so fucking TIRED i couldn’t stand the thought of having to get there. I felt this… this never-ending crush of days that were grey and tepid but for some reason i was supposed to greet each one with a smile. the constant pressure of having to keep my shit in all the time was just exhausting.
I wondered, then — well, is there anything you’re curious about. Anything you want to see play out. And i thought of a comic i was reading and i’d not figured out the end of the current storyline. And i realized I had curiosity. And that was the hook i’d hang my hat on. that by wanting to see how something played out I wasn’t really ready. That little sprout of a thing poking up through all that black earth kept me around a little longer.
I realized then that it had been so long since i’d laughed. I was numbed out and shut down and just… i missed laughing. maybe if i laughed a little i could get moving again. so i’d wait for my comic to conclude, try to find a few laughs, and then reevaluate.
So I’m in the bathtub and i got this real sharp-ass razor, right? And i look down and there’s all my bits floating in the water like they do and i thought okay, let’s get funny and i got to work.
I shaved off exactly half my pubic hair vertically. The end result was a ‘fro of pubes that looked like a Chia Pet that only half-worked. I started to laugh as I did it. And every time i’d piss, looking down made me laugh.
Because JESUS what a nightmare. (…)
And then I guess I’d tell you about Dave, who did the same thing as me a few years later, only DIDN’T have my hilarious Chia Dick strategy in mind and got the razor in and up. And as he started to bleed out “Brown Eyed Girl” came on the radio and he realized he’d never get to hear that again so, in a bloody comedy of errors — I swear to god this is true — he got out of the tub, tried to get dressed the best he could, went downstairs calling for help only to find his family gone, went out to his car, and drove to doug’s house only to find doug not home and so, then, finally, he blacked out from blood loss sitting there in his car, playing a van morrison CD on repeat, until, by luck, Doug’s mom came home and found him.
Fucking Van Morrison, y’know?
A song, a comic, something dumb, something small. From that seed can come everything else, I swear to god.
I guess last I’d say… I’d say that, look — if you reached out to me for an answer, than I have to reach back out to you and insist you hear it. Because it means, what, you know me? My work? You read my stuff and thought, well, fuck, if anyone would know why I shouldn’t end my life, if anyone alive is QUALIFIED TO SAVE ME it’s the guy that had britney spears punch a bear? okay — okay, then, so as THAT GUY I’m saying: Get help. Now, today, tonight, whenever — get to a phone and find a doctor that can try to help you heal, that can try to recolorize your world again, that can help you start caring again. All you need is that one tiny thing, that speck, that little grain of sand. the World Series, AVENGERS 2, Tina Fey’s new show, the first issue of PRETTY DEADLY, some slice of the world you’ve never seen, some drink you love, who the fuck will love your dog like you do if you’re gone, what if jabrams KILLS it on the new STAR WARS, the hell are you doing for Halloween, you ever feed a dolphin with your bare hand? because i have and I am fucking telling you IT IS A THING TO EXPERIENCE and oh god WHAT FUCKING FONT WILL STARBUCKS USE ON THE CHRISTMAS DRINK SLEEVES THIS YEAR — i don’t care what or how dumb but i promise you somewhere in your life is that one fleck of dust that can help start you on the road back. That’s all it takes. One fucking mote, drifting through your head.
listening while reading: Van Morrison – Brown Eyed Girl
I had a dinner with a friend this week and it was very nice to talk about how our lives suck at the moment. She’s just broken up with her girlfriend and I guess misery loves company. We talked so much about relationships and how to deal with break ups. The after damage we are left with. And how we cling to every last shred of hope. We definitely weren’t playing the game of whose life sucks the most because we know that’s impossible to define since we’re on the same situation (and even if we weren’t). We ended up bonding over our behaviors and feelings.
Turns out that we both are overwhelmed by our sleep, even during fights with our girlfriends. I joked about how I wish I was more like my sleep: My sleep just has its own will, it just grabs what it wants, it waits for nothing or no one. It knows its needs and does not fuck around. We laughed. She raised a good point: Perhaps we are like that, because… our sleep is part of us, right? It’s definitely something to be inspired about.
She’s the only person that can point to my hand and say: You’ve definitely been single because your fingernails are huge. And then make us both laugh out loud until I tell her to Fuck off and she completes the whole thing with: You know what? It’s fine. Mine will grow too and we’ll have a competition about who can keep them the longest. It made me think, even if for some seconds, that it is different having a friend that also likes girls because that kind of joke can be done without anyone being uncomfortable. Although maybe it’s just because we are both okay with talking about somewhat intimate stuff and joke around.
And so we did talk about that and coping. She was a little embarrassed about telling me how she still sleeps with some stuff of her ex. I said: You have nothing to be ashamed about, really. A while back, I bought a big sweater for me to sleep in because I just wanted to feel cozy and with an illusion about why I was so warm. I told her it’s been months since I’ve worn a t-shirt, because I am so freaking cold all the time. So much that I am starting to think about that and how it can relate to PTSD and just diagnose that for me and be done with it. Of course, I should mention this to my therapist although there is so much shit going on I haven’t found the time for now. The internet tells me I am not overreacting, but the internet always does.
I guess, for today, I just wanted to register that there is someone out there going through the same thing as me and it makes me feel less alien from this world.
listening while writing: She Keeps Bees – Owl
I don’t think she is being creative about saying goodbye; she’s just saying goodbye. And there is no right or wrong. Your “free-spirited” girlfriend wants to wander, as free spirits do, and if you think about it, her sense of adventure was probably one of the things that attracted you in the first place. (…)
Of course, in the end you will also have to decide if you choose her. (…)
If you and your soon-to-be-ex-girlfriend (I know, that hurts, but get used to saying it) both choose each other after the year apart, and you feel you can reconnect without punishing her for the agony you feel now, you have a great opportunity to have a real, honest relationship, not the fairytale myth we’ve all been fed since birth. Or, then again, you might find yourself thanking her in your wedding toast to the new one. Only time will tell.
listening while reading: Foo Fighters – Best of You