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i had a dream with kurt cobain today. he was in a band, with three other people and one of them was courtney love. it was sort of a punk band and they were playing at this really small place, like a record store or something and it was located at a bus station. they had just finished playing and i didn’t catch the whole presentation, just the last song. the other band members were selling cds – the album cover had a pink that probably came from the movie i watched yesterday. kurt was writing something in front of a computer, not facing anyone that was there, and i came close and asked when they were going to play again. he said they would play again at 3 in the afternoon (i checked my watch and it was noon). i got worried about that because i had a bus to catch at 3:15 and i was afraid of watching the show and missing my bus. it was like i was the only one that knew that this guy was kurt cobain. i was the only one that cared. my mom was there too, for a brief time. i was happy for seeing him, and afraid i was going to scare him with being a fan. i asked for an autograph, but can’t remember if he ever gave me one.

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i woke up at 5:30 today. i had a bus to catch, indeed. as i walked to the bus station, the same thing that always happens happened again. there is a hollow ache when entering that bus, when sitting by the window, it is always dark – whether it’s 6am or 5pm. it’s like i remember all the other times i entered a bus, and the people i have been before. the state of leaving and being on the road, of having that as a default. there is always a next trip; a next bus ticket; another bus station. does it ever end?

there is this middle aged guy that takes the bus with me sometimes. for the last six trips i did, he was in four of them. he always gets the same seat: 40/corridor. it’s funny because my seat, when i buy it, unless it’s occupied, is always 39/window. and i revel in seeing other people have pet peeves like this. makes me feel less alone. i wonder if he realizes i took so many trips with him. sometimes i wonder about his life too, like i always wonder about yours. like i wonder about mine.

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i rewatched Rush this weekend and there’s something that Niki Lauda says that i thought after: “I accept every time I get in my car there is a 20% chance I could die, and I can live with it, but not 1% more”. i wonder what is the percentage for dying in a bus accident. i wonder what are the odds. i saw Boyhood right after Rush and it is a beautiful & sensitive film, but it’s not life changing like Before Sunset or Before Sunrise, for example. it has some good lines, it is interesting to see the coming of age process, but there is also a little question inside my head: where is this going? because, since the movie was filmed like small 15 minutes documentaries across the years, a part of me felt things were disconnected, like the only consistent thing were the actors – not necessarily the characters. it bothered me a little.

and then there is the final 15 minutes part, when Mason goes to college. those were the scenes that reasoned more with me and the ones that made me sad and thoughtful. perhaps i need to watch the movie again when i am less prone to be depressed about the future (a.k.a. all sunday afternoons), but i took that ending very personally. like all lives end after getting into college and when you go through that phase. i guess it’s because i usually feel that way with or without Boyhood. and i fear i will continue feeling this for a while. there was pain in seeing i wouldn’t live college years again – there were bad things, of course, and bad people, but my overall thought was that i could be anything. there was still the possibility along with the future. now it seems like all i am going to be is what i am right now.

working on a dead end job from 8 to 5, things get a little less hopeful. sometimes i tell myself that this isn’t where life ends (and deep down i know it isn’t), but time is, without a doubt, passing me by. right at this moment and when i leave this place to go home in the afternoon. i see talented people that accomplished so many things by my age, that know what they want. what else is there? or, perhaps i should repeat the question on my mind when watching Boyhood: where is this going?

listening while writing: Led Zeppelin – Thank You

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