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Tavi defined having a crush as: something that is completely yours and about that projection you have about the person, which means it has nothing to do with the actual person. Being a fan and following anything I can find about Tavi, I know this is something she has mentioned before in another interview, although I can’t remember which one. But I am glad she repeated this here, because it’s the first time it hits really close to home.

I am willing to try to keep this quote on my sleeve for reference purposes. It hit home because it brings back what I am learning about feelings you have – and how they are only yours, for you to deal and learn from them. Sharing what you are feeling is great, cathartic, necessary, but perhaps not if you seek solutions for them in other people from your own confusion. When I feel lost, my go to action is to talk to someone close – friends, my mom sometimes – even if nothing related to that feeling. It is an escape, although in the end it feels a little more like going inside a maze, and I am trying to avoid doing that. It’s fucking hard because it’s frequent for me and I have to be conscious about it all the time.

Whenever I feel like I have to talk to someone about something, I write. Just two or three pages. And then I ask myself: do I still need to talk to someone about this? Writing does not make the problems go away. It doesn’t solve them. But it soothes my soul, it calms me down, it helps me separate “what am i doing” and “what am i allowing to be done to me” and “what exterior factors are happening”. I usually end with a positive thought. Like “I’ve come such a long way”; “I am one step closer to where I want to be”; “I’ve done nothing today, but it’s ok because everyone needs a stop from time to time”; “You don’t need to be fine all the time”. And it’s easier to make a decision.

It helps me in the sense that I no longer feel awful when people cancel on me. It goes something like: “Okay, let’s try again another time” and then I think “I can have some me time now that wasn’t possible before”. Of course this doesn’t mean I will close down every interaction, even when I am confused. Sometimes this escape is good because other people can bring a different perspective, they can cheer you up, they can tell you about similar experiences. Having a sincere conversation with someone soothes the soul just the same, the difference being that when you are not alone with yourself, it’s harder to look only at your own feelings (at least for me). Also, when I talk to someone about it, I try to be completely open to what they have to say, to also not take them as absolute truths (really hard during conflicts or confusion), to remember that in the end you are the hero of your own life.

There are so many things going on inside our heads. I just want to talk to all of them.

listening while writing: Bonifrate – Sequelagem

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