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Today I am a cassette tape always playing the same goddamn song on repeat. Because I still see you in everything I do, from watching a movie to a walk on the park.

I watched the movie you recommended, even though I’ve known about it for months, before we even were broken up and I hate that now every time I do something I have to ask myself: is it for me or for you? Which now that I think about it, also describes how I was feeling those last days.

I was just screaming for someone to finally see me – including myself.

What does it mean that I still look for clues of us? Thinking there are encrypted messages of love and care waiting for me to find them? I think I looked for them until exhaustion. It’s hope and hopelessness at the same time, what do you define that? A limbo, I guess. Too hurt to go back and too weak to move on.

I will never forget hearing that I “feel things too deep”. Perhaps, in a way, I do feel too much. What I am realizing is that I shouldn’t avoid it, but to guide it now to something else. Someone, somewhere, someday, will get it. Until then (and even if it does not happen), I will empower myself more and more to feel everything. I finally don’t see that as a weakness anymore.

listening while writing: The Antlers – Bear

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