ups and downs, up and then down again. every day I am going through excitement to get better and desperation because of loneliness and wondering about what might have been. communication is perhaps what I lack most at the moment, and deep down I know it’s for the best. whatever I could and had to say has been said already. it does not mean I don’t care or don’t think about her constantly.
I wake up at 6 and hit snooze for more than an hour. my back hurts so much that sometimes it’s like i’m living kafka’s metamorphosis. that would explain a lot, me turning into a bug, or a beast or something. sure feels like i am moulting.
the pain, at the moment, comes from knowing that things won’t be the same, that there is no turning back, even if a re encounter occurs; i try to get attached to memories and events and it confuses me if maybe this means I can’t let go or even if I should. there are no guides for this. I am also recognizing patterns and not so healthy behaviors. maybe it’s part of the process to see everything, the good and the bad, at the same time like this.
i am trying. i am not sure why or how, but i am trying.