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allowing myself the time to heal has been the hardest thing I’ve ever done. and perhaps that’s exactly why it’s so necessary – because it’s the first time. before, I have always said I could power through it, telling myself I could stretch my feelings once again.

I realize having this time off is often scary, but it’s making me face what is most important to me and also get to know who i am during a crisis. and I have to say I am enjoying my company, getting to know things from me. I am learning to be patient and kind, to talk with myself, to ask questions without being judgmental and to affirm nice things about me.

I keep asking myself over and over: will I get over? do I want to? is it fixable? how long will it take?

but I know those questions come from a place of desperation that sometimes appear. to that, I say:

there is no answer to all those things right now. there is hope. hope has been with me for so long – sometimes before I’ve felt silly for having it -, like a candle that will never finish burning. and yet keeping the fire alive hurts a lot. it demands energy, too. fire is hard to protect: water can make it gone; the wind might extinguish it; you cannot shelter it, or the lack of oxygen will put it out as well.

I have to light it up and hope the conditions will keep it burning. I don’t have the strenght to add fuel at the moment. I am just looking at the small ball of fire burning. And waiting.

I will take care of me first, no matter how long it takes, create my own fire and be strong. whatever comes next, I want to be ready to welcome it.

listening while writing: Coldplay – Magic

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