I think I’m done feeling sorry for myself at this point.

I’m in the new stage where I want to plunge deep into my tears and sorrow, but now to swim in it – to do something with this, instead of being passive and waiting for a turn of events.

I decided to look around and take a breath before doing anything – to relish in this connection I have with myself. And then simply do it, be held accountable with the consequences, good or bad. And look to myself again and say: it’s okay – I got you, and I always will.

It’s what I’ve been fighting for in the last 3 years of my existence, at least in a more conscious way.

Things I am able to do so far in most occasions:

– engage in frivolous talk without getting affected – a.k.a. thinking I’m faking it – (unless if it’s on a daily basis with negative people – even frivolous has its limits -, when that happens I need, with reason, to step back and be alone for a while just to save some energy and I do not feel guilty about it anymore).

– be aware of what is mine and what is someone else’s — there’s still practice/learning to be done as to how not get affected by it, though.

– be able to feel compassion for people’s difficulties, but also recognize everyone has their own path and before feeling pity, asking myself: “what are they doing to solve it?” – which is not as judgemental as I thought it was 2 years ago. I try offering advice, if feeling comfortable, whatever the answer to that question is.

– being more free to organize feelings and getting to know my truths and things I only think are truths – sometimes it is very hard to be patient with myself, but I do sense improvement. before it was like: you suck and never will be happy. nowadays it’s more like: you suck. wow, where did that come from? which part of me is saying it?

– commitment with healing: this is a hard one, in the sense that is also very personal and there are many things that can be considered healing. I can now separate the healing process from what I do to avoid it, and to do both without judgement.

Example: when I am the saddest person in the world, there are only two things I like to do: sleep and watch tv shows while browsing the internet endlessly. However important it is to do both, since I consider it fun, they are also very passive activities with a numbing sensation. so what I do is allow myself to do them for a while (time frames here are nonexistent, depending on my own will to stop) and when there’s this little voice saying: “maybe that’s enough”, I slowly try to add what I consider healing, which includes: listening to music (and by that I mean listening without doing anything else, except maybe crying), writing, drawing, coloring, cooking (or just eating something really), reading, talking to myself or with beings that appeared in therapy and I consider my friends.

– and then there’s that energy or essence inside that tells me that: it’s possible to change the future if you’re not settled with the now forever.

listening while writing: Kimya Dawson – The Competition