why it hurts it’s because it’s beyond words or explanations. it’s because I have to deny myself from what I want right now in order to seek this gut feeling of what is most valuable to me. to this idea of what a relationship should be, without trepidations when sharing what is most important, honest and sincere – even if sometimes not pretty. that’s why I am so lost, because there’s only the vague notion of what I need and in order to find it, I must pursue a maze alone, no matter how lonely it is. and sometimes the actions are like walking backwards. it’s hard to keep reminding myself that they also have a meaning – to put me back on track. and that there is a bigger picture.

it’s confusing because there is no sense of how long the road is, where it leads, what will I find there. I picture it calm, with lilies and rabbits, I feel free when riding a car through that road, it’s sunny and windy. when I’m in it, I realize that everything I did was worth it.

listening while writing: Joni Mitchell – Help Me