I am trying to come to terms that you simply cannot always be there for people. It is a concept very hard to grasp, at least for me. I guess it goes all the way back to when we are kids and we are told that when someone asks something, you must do it/answer to it. I believe everyone experiences the same realization a certain point in life.
What it means to me is that I feel incompetent as a human being if I can’t make myself understood, so I just keep trying until exhaustion. The news is: I am exhausted. And sick. So I am just shutting everything out for now, until I can be stronger to realize what’s good or not, what I should explain or not, because at the moment it’s a fog and no good decision will come out of that. There are questions, though. Why do I need validation so much? How much energy am I putting on that instead of something else? Why can’t I handle? What does that say about me?
Some days I remember how hopeful I was and I start crying, because I want to be that girl again. I am so drained that I cry over anything, from an old lady making small talk because of her need of attention, a demanding tone from anyone or whenever a friend says a caring word. I have no will to share my days, my passions or my life anymore. It’s like too much exposure. I am more aware now that I should take slow steps. I don’t doubt the excitment will come and I have never been one to avoid it, but at the moment I need to heal. I feel very small and that I don’t matter.
listening while writing: No Doubt – Don’t Speak