I’m lying in bed – this is the most sense I’ve gathered so far. Waking up is a slow and painful process. A million things go through my mind. Some are silly, like what time it is and a quick check to see if I’m hungry and if it’s worth getting out of bed. Others are just plain sad, like why can’t I feel this way forever and what do I actually have to do during the day. I try to keep my worries and anxieties to the mininum, but to no avail. I convince myself to at least wait until my eyes are open.
I feel my hair touching the back of my neck and my shoulders can feel the pillow. My eyelids are still closed, but I’m curious for the sheet color. I don’t want to lose this moment to reality, however.
My brain scans all the sheets I own: white, purple and blue – I’ve always wanted a black one, too, but would I like it after I’ve bought it? – I pick purple and start imagining my own body in bed. I could open my eyes and simply see the situation I’m in. But picturing is more perfect than watching it. Creating is better than living it. Bringing all my mental photographs of waking up is better than memorizing this one moment.
My legs hurt. I always end up with my knees close to my stomach, for some reason. I know the covers are all messed up – never have I slept without throwing them at least partially on the floor. I think about the irony of not wanting to be emprisoned by covers but at the same time hugging myself during sleep in order not to feel cold. If I could only list all my nonsense behaviors.
I stretch and while doing so, I imagine myself growing a little bit – a milimiter or so. This action gives me a sense of relief, since I’m only now aware of my whole body, spread on the bed. I almost never remember my dreams. I try and all I get is a foggy frustation. I carefully open my eyes – there’s an almost lazy method of realizing all the lights entering the room. I remember the double meaning of the world reflection.
Opening the curtains is a complete different experience.
listening while writing: Pete Yorn and Scarlett Johansson – I am the Cosmos