I haven’t realized I was going through a path; to me, it always seemed like a pattern. I couldn’t break it or change it. To realize there is a possibility scares me to no end, because they also mean responsibility. There has been so much weight on my shoulders, most of them added by me when there wasn’t any need for it.
It’s like going to the beach as a child and you collect all the seashells you can reach, but most of them are already broken, can’t be fixed, and only a few you will actually hold on to – because of the beauty, the fascination of it. I’ve been picking too many seashells.
I’ve always been that girl that needs to have a full picture of anything as to be fulfilled with it. But the thing is there’s no finished painting. You can’t pick all the seashells in the world. And you certainly shouldn’t (and can’t) carry them all with you.
When I was 19, I told a girl that I don’t hold grudges. I wasn’t lying because it was one of the most honest conversations I’ve ever had in my life. What I failed to explain, probably out of fear of not being understood, was that I would never ever forget the bad things I did to her, but I wouldn’t memorize the hurtful comments and actions she had done towards me.
That was when I finally understood the Wuthering Heights quote that is now one of my favorites: “I forgive what you have done to me. I love my murderer – but yours! How can I?”. I used to have a romanticized view of bottling the problems inside. But I already have too many seashells. I want to throw some of them in the sea; I want to leave the rest of them by the seaside, for the water to bathe and take them away. I want to keep very few of them – just the ones that I value the most, even if some of them are broken.
But above all, I need to be the one that knows the difference between picking one or not; between caressing them or not; between spending time with them or not; between trying to fix them or not. It’s the choice that really matters. All I need from life right now are options; paths.
listening while writing: Frederic Chopin – Piezas De Piano Polonesa 6 En La Bemol Mayor Op 53 Heroica